Sorry for the necrobump. Allow me to be inconsiderate one last time by putting a personal rant here.
From when I was young, level editors in any game have always fascinated me. I would spend days without sleep to make a level and have quickly become my major source of enjoyment in gaming. This is also the case for VVVVVV and I was quite prolific back then. I used to think I was passionate about making levels. But when I'm trying to connect the dots, I remembered how disproportionately depressed when I saw few mildly negative comments or just a lack of feedback in general. I now realised that I was only selfishly making levels to seek personal enjoyment and positive feedback, without realising that a lot of the praises are just a byproduct of courtesy. It's extremely barbarous of me to make levels for personal deeds, while others had to endure my outrageously bad levels, as if I were having fun from torturing others.
I didn't know how incompetent I am so I often expected too much from my levels, without being responsible for others by actually creating something adequate. This is now externally confirmed today by ranking the last place in a level-making contest in an active community even with 3/4 of the competitors dropping out and me pouring all my time, effort, soul and sanity into my submission, to a point that I became irritable during the process. I'm now utterly convinced that I wasn't just being insecure when I considered myself lacking the creative talent and updated mindsets in making levels. I'm indeed one of the worst level makers in VVVVVV. Even months of effort wouldn't let me create anything better than a heavily rushed/incomplete project made by more capable and talented hands.
I've removed all my levels from here. Their lack of custom assets alone prohibits them from being a relevant custom level these days, let alone a half-decent one. More importantly, the majority of them are so badly designed that even a detox wouldn't save them. The fact that I'm typing so many words in a formal way without extensive usage of abbreviations consistently brought shame to the VVVVVV community. The writing of this passage, like my levels and messages on social media and forums, is atrocious, incoherent, disorganised, oddly paced and irrational. Writing has always been my weakness and my recent experience of embracing it only reminded me how terrible I am at it, there's no way of fixing and I would have to live with the ramifications of bad communication.
I'm a menace to the VVVVVV community and have a lot of potential to threaten other communities. I should be legally barred from any form of creative activities and just be a robot instead. Actually, that may be too good for me, because even a robot would know that the word "triggered/triggering" is offensive, derogatory and discriminating, especially in a joking sense, and wouldn't use it so inappropriately that it may have indirectly led to others' suicide or other unpleasant events. The only saving grace is that the word "triggered/triggering" is now a traumatic experience to me and hopefully I can be diagnosed with the well-deserved PTSD soon.
By now, I probably sound overly ranty, salty and depressed. Unfortunately, this depression and insecurity has been in my blood for years - Serotonin and other medications can only help so much - and the revelation of the truth is frankly horrifying and paralysing. It's almost like a death sentence to me. I sincerely apologise for my over-reaction, tangled emotions, the inappropriate use of hyperbole and the conspicuous lack of sensitivity.
I'm quitting.
From when I was young, level editors in any game have always fascinated me. I would spend days without sleep to make a level and have quickly become my major source of enjoyment in gaming. This is also the case for VVVVVV and I was quite prolific back then. I used to think I was passionate about making levels. But when I'm trying to connect the dots, I remembered how disproportionately depressed when I saw few mildly negative comments or just a lack of feedback in general. I now realised that I was only selfishly making levels to seek personal enjoyment and positive feedback, without realising that a lot of the praises are just a byproduct of courtesy. It's extremely barbarous of me to make levels for personal deeds, while others had to endure my outrageously bad levels, as if I were having fun from torturing others.
I didn't know how incompetent I am so I often expected too much from my levels, without being responsible for others by actually creating something adequate. This is now externally confirmed today by ranking the last place in a level-making contest in an active community even with 3/4 of the competitors dropping out and me pouring all my time, effort, soul and sanity into my submission, to a point that I became irritable during the process. I'm now utterly convinced that I wasn't just being insecure when I considered myself lacking the creative talent and updated mindsets in making levels. I'm indeed one of the worst level makers in VVVVVV. Even months of effort wouldn't let me create anything better than a heavily rushed/incomplete project made by more capable and talented hands.
I've removed all my levels from here. Their lack of custom assets alone prohibits them from being a relevant custom level these days, let alone a half-decent one. More importantly, the majority of them are so badly designed that even a detox wouldn't save them. The fact that I'm typing so many words in a formal way without extensive usage of abbreviations consistently brought shame to the VVVVVV community. The writing of this passage, like my levels and messages on social media and forums, is atrocious, incoherent, disorganised, oddly paced and irrational. Writing has always been my weakness and my recent experience of embracing it only reminded me how terrible I am at it, there's no way of fixing and I would have to live with the ramifications of bad communication.
I'm a menace to the VVVVVV community and have a lot of potential to threaten other communities. I should be legally barred from any form of creative activities and just be a robot instead. Actually, that may be too good for me, because even a robot would know that the word "triggered/triggering" is offensive, derogatory and discriminating, especially in a joking sense, and wouldn't use it so inappropriately that it may have indirectly led to others' suicide or other unpleasant events. The only saving grace is that the word "triggered/triggering" is now a traumatic experience to me and hopefully I can be diagnosed with the well-deserved PTSD soon.
By now, I probably sound overly ranty, salty and depressed. Unfortunately, this depression and insecurity has been in my blood for years - Serotonin and other medications can only help so much - and the revelation of the truth is frankly horrifying and paralysing. It's almost like a death sentence to me. I sincerely apologise for my over-reaction, tangled emotions, the inappropriate use of hyperbole and the conspicuous lack of sensitivity.
I'm quitting.
